Honesty & Spirituality

“The right to a God of your understanding is total and without any catches. Because we have this right, it is necessary to be honest about our belief if we are to grow spiritually.” Basic Text, p.25

In meetings, over refreshments, in talks with our sponsor, we hear our NA friends talking about the way they understand their Higher Power. It would be easy to “go with the flow,” adopting someone else’s beliefs. But just as no one else can recover for us, so no one else’s spirituality can substitute for our own. We must honestly search for an understanding of God that truly works for us.

Many of us begin that search with prayer and meditation, and continue with our experiences in recovery. Have there been instances where we have been given power beyond our own to face life’s challenges? When we have quietly sought direction in times of trouble, have we found it? What kind of Power do we believe has guided and strengthened us? What kind of Power do we seek? With the answers to these questions, we will understand our Higher Power well enough to feel safe and confident about asking it to care for our will and lives.

A borrowed understanding of God may do on a short haul. But in the long run, we must come to our own understanding of a Higher Power, for it is that Power which will carry us through our recovery.

Just for today: I seek a Power greater than myself that can help me grow spiritually. Today, I will examine my beliefs honestly and come to my own understanding of God.

(Just For Today February 14)

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When I first got sober, I was spending time in a private drug & alcohol rehab facility. Five days a week we’d all pile in a big cargo van we coined ‘The druggie buggie’, and make our way to either an Alcoholics Anonymous or a Narcotics anonymous meeting.

Both programs are centered around twelve steps. Twelve steps of recovery, twelve steps to sobriety, twelve steps to a new life.

Someone once told me ‘I don’t care how deep into the forest you are, I don’t care how dark it is, how scared or lost you are. You’re only twelve steps away from exiting the forest into freedom.

It sounds easy enough, until you read the steps pinned on the wall at every meeting.

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol- that our lives had become unmanageable.

Once I start drinking or using any sort of substance I certainly lose any capability of stopping until it’s gone or I’m asleep. I’m in rehab, so I’d say my life has become pretty unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could return us to sanity.

Oh fuck.

When I read step two I said this isn’t for me. I’m not religious or spiritual. I don’t believe any god is going to fix this problem. Please get me a new solution.

I struggled a lot with this in the beginning. I’m spending thousands of dollars to be away from home, in an unfamiliar, uncomfortable place, and they won’t stop telling me god is the answer.

I felt like god wasn’t my answer. There’s not a god controlling my life, or a god I’d ever let control my life. I control my own life. How was that going?

The definition of sanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. If I looked at the facts I could admit I was technically insane. The amount of times I tried to quit substances, or tried new ways to drink or use, it always resulted in me being completely fucked up making stupid decisions. Over and over and over until I couldn’t take it anymore and ended up here. The solution is apparently god and that pissed me off.

After a few days sparring with step two, a counselor put me in his car. As he drove he asked me if I was the most important thing in the world. I didn’t really know how to answer and hadn’t really thought about it. I guess the self centered answer is yes, to me I am. If I’m not alive, there’s no world to me. The humble answer would be no. There’s plenty of things out there much more important than me myself and I.

I went with what I felt like was the ‘right’ answer in that spot and said no.

‘What’s more important to you, than you?’

I sat in silence for a minute, and thought about what I’d say. I didn’t even know if I believed there was anything more important to me than me, I just didn’t want this guy to think I was self absorbed and egotistical. But now I was forced to think of an answer.

The counselor must’ve known what I was going through, and he’d probably seen a hundred versions of me going through the same thing, because he let us sit in silence the remainder of the drive while I thought about it. We pulled into the parking lot at the head of a trail.

We walked through the trail and he asked me questions about my life and my family, and told me about his. We came from very different places, he had experienced a lot more life than I had, but I was amazed with how many similarities we shared.

At the end of the trail was a bridge. We stood on the bridge and watched a waterfall 100 feet high, crash into the water right below us.

This fall was mind boggling. The sky was crystal clear and it was a hot day in June, but the wind coming off the falls felt like enough to blow me off the bridge.

We stood and took a few pictures, than began our hike out of the trail.

We got back in his car and he began an unsolicited lesson.

‘For the last couple years you’ve been going through life with your head down. You haven’t thought about or considered the things around you.

There’s life everywhere. In that fall in those trees. There’s power in all of it. A food chain, a perfect ecosystem.

Each animal, each organism, each tree, each drop of water in that fall has a purpose. A direction. A job.

All of it knows exactly what to do, where to go, how to act. It’s one big operation that results in a thriving forest, with a beautiful waterfall.

No human power can create anything so natural and perfect, especially not you.’

His speech struck a chord and I had an ‘aha’ moment. God isn’t God as I’ve understood him to this point. God can be whatever I believe in. I do believe for whatever reason there could be a greater power than me out there, I don’t know what it is but I don’t have to.